Want mail?         JANUARY 2, 2001 WEIGHTLOSS MADE E-Z  What can we possibly say about these people? Yeah, they're sure missing something alright. The right to bear arms. Disarmed. Make dove, not arms. Insert any horrid pun you'd like, it's still more fun than seeing this. Ampulove.com We're not sure what's worse: Steven Halking saying "ampulove" or the fact that there's a full section listing for "wannabes". Stumptouch.com Jesus. JESUS. We're all for self-confidence. For instance, we love ourselves. But we thought these people were shunned and rediculed into seclusion for a reason. Honestly, we feel really badly for you and your accident. But let's not kid ourselves. That thing that used to be a leg is about is beautiful as your website. We identified right away the chink in the armor of their brilliant reader ID system: Internet, we're sorry.   DECEMBER 28, 2000 ANNOUNCEMENT  Due to growing responsibilities, a new job, a new girl, and a delayed return to education, we regret to inform you that we will no longer be making fun of retards, fat people, and the entrenched establishment. Wait! We're getting a communication from ... from the Whitehouse! Yes, mister Bush. Yes, we- wait, do I have to call you that? But it's not offi- Okay fine. Yes, mister President (of-monkeys-and-lolipops!) Bush. Ah-hem. No, something in my throat. Your meaty little fist? No, I think maybe it's a peanut or something. Mister President (and emperor el supremo of ... Cheney's ass!) Bush, we very busy here. Can I help you with something? Yes, I'll stop that. Yes, this instant. Okay, slow down, sir, you want what? Wow. Okay. We'll get right on it. I had no idea, Mister President (of the tiny pink people of Masterbationville!) Bush, we'll get on it right away. Wha-aat? Oh come on, you know we love you. Yes! Don't tell me you didn't know that. Ah, come on, don't make me say it again. No, no I couldn't. We're embarassed enough. Oh ... oh, alright. We love you Mister President (of the tiny pacific island of no we won't suck you off in the alley for a spot of gin and some of the cheap shit and no we don't know who your daddy is and no please zip up this instant or we'll pull it taut and play the pink banjo right here in front of Barbara yes we know that's mommy!) Bush. *click* Well we have our orders. We are to only make fun of retards, fat people, and the entrenched establishment! Which, of course, includes the new one. (We'll be back tonight folks!) UPDATE: 5:15 am. Drunk. Drunk drunk drunk. A dick in the hand is worth two in the Bush,   NOVEMBER 15, 2000 COMA CHAMELEON  Well wasn't that fun? We thought so. Dr. Sunshine and ourself simultaneously had month-long parasympathetic, ah, 'episodes'. Not like when you and four other attractive white gen-Xers play hapless victims to hilarious hijinks like getting tricked into a prom date by identical twins. No, sir. We mean 'episodes' like when Mary Kate doesn't get the part of the baker girl in the school play and puts a bullet in her head. And Alshey learns a valuable lesson about the importance of familial obligations and about not selling a cheap tec-9 to her sister. Except the doctor and ourself had more drugs than those two Olson hookers could trick for in their whole training-bra lives. But we're back baby! Just in time for the dramatic conclusion of our fave new day-time soap: Dubya Does Dallas. And Katherine Harris. Yes, if you haven't guessed, the Circus scored another interview that Barb Walters couldn't get if she got down on her hands and knees and also removed her dentures. Read: Election 2000: The Mickey Factor. Bush is dead. Long live Bush.   OCTOBER 16, 2000 BORED  clickthis. Sigh,   OCTOBER 15, 2000 FEVERS AND MIRRORS  One thing that's great about the internet is that it's not confined to any one country or people so you can learn a lot about some really interesting things. On the flipside, you can learn about this: "A Swedish mother of five, distraught after her shares crashed, robbed a bank in neighboring Finland by threatening staff with an axe, she admitted in court in Finland." Read the heartwarming tale of how great it is not to live in Finland. Or Sweden. Or anywhere but our cozy, axe-wielding-bandit-less apartment here. We can't follow up an act like that, And it's pretty clear they have guns.   OCTOBER 13, 2000 OH LORD THOU PLUCKEST BURNING  Burning Circus official policy. Hi there. Welcome to Burning Circus! Today is our launch date! Haha. Just kidding. See that is a classic, staple humor gag that we in the industry like to call 'lying'. It's usually used to mask a fuckup, like when you don't update for a few days because, as we in the industry like to say, 'we were saving baby puppies and the world from certain nuclear disaster'. It's amazing to us what we webmasters have to go through just to ensure the safety of the entire world from utter destruction. And does the CIA pay us a dime? No sir. But joke's on them, because we wrote "natural penis enlargement! www.burningcircus.com" on some of the urinals in the Pentagon! And that there is a classic humor gambit that we in the industry like to call 'completely fucking stupid'. Man you gotta get one of these jobs. It's great! Anyway, we've got some quality content from Dr. Sunshine today. He had himself a little episode this weekend to the tune of Lou Reed's Perfect Day. But now he's better. Can you tell? To the tune of Altavista's Babel Fish. The president was kidnapped by ninjas. Am I a bad enough dude to rescue him?,