Why do I bring this up? Well, yesterday the US Food and Drug Administration approved use of the abortion pill RU-486, known clinically as mifepristone. Basically, it's a pill you take within seven weeks of pregnancy so that you can flush the cooing youngster while he's still 0.2 inches tall. As anyone except Suzie, age 7, next door will tell you, I'm no medical expert. However, I do know that if you take a pill, it should either a) cure your headache or b) get you high. Pills should not be smart enough to extend tiny silicone propellers, activate a FetusFinder9000 GPS device, and pilot their way through a woman's digestive tract to finally arrive at the uterus and laser-burn a fetus-sized hole in a clump of cells clinging to the uterine wall. Only James Bond should be able to perform abortions like that, and he doesn't need to because he has a license to kill. Shit, the FDA can slap an AK-47 in his capable hands and send him to east Africa as a one-man abortion clinic.

Okay, granted, the pill in all probability does not work that way. But look, I'm just protecting the God-given American right to curb overpopulation with a little help from Clothestime. If you give MacGyver a dozen clotheshangers, he'll build the fastest fleet of jet-powered go-karts in the world. I think the average American has seen enough episodes of MacGyver to at least figure out how to poke a girl just so and never have to pay alimony. Hell, if the religious right wasn't so busy roasting gay Cub Scouts over a campfire on the floor of Congress, I'd say they should hand out merit badges for it. It sure beats quilting or starting a fire with sticks in terms of urban utility. In fact, put a coat-hanger in swiss army knives while you're at it. Remember how Doogie Howser MD once delivered a lady's baby in a mall when he was 14? Well these days he would have just popped into Ross for a 7.99 tank top and 'delivered' the baby the old fashioned way. Granted, he probably should have found the lady at the mall seven months before that, but hey, you go with what you have. But now, instead of a heart-tugging scene with Doogie feverishly unbending nature's baby un-maker, performing his duty, then triumphantly doing a little Zorro impression while flinging bits of things everywhere, he just feeds mom some pills then drops out of medical school to become a full-time criminal mastermind. And let me ask you this: what kind of downtown-New-York-trampling robots would Doogie make? Five on two it'd be giant ugly Italian zombie robots named Vinnie that just trample and eat brains all day.

Is jabbing a clothes-hanger, a hand drill, an egg beater or any other foreign object into a girl's uterus actually better than taking an FDA-approved pill? No, of course not. Do I think this FDA-approved pill will increase the number of abortions across the board? You bet. "Health experts noted that abortions did not increase when RU-486 debuted in France in 1988 or later across Europe" the Associated Press says. I don't know how many stomping donkeys it takes to make up statistics these days, but I do know that I've personally had girlfriends who would prefer going au naturale and dealing with the consequences later rather than use anything in bed made out of rubber besides glow-in-the-dark cowboy chaps. Don't tell me that having a pill that says "Eat me...later" wouldn't cause massive proliferation of recurring crotch rashes. Hey congress, why don't you throw some RU-486 into our Flintstones vitamins and drinking water while you're at it? Fuckers. I just can't wait till they cure AIDS. You'll know they did it when you walk out of a Walmart and see people fucking in the streets.

Actual packaging of RU-486, as licensed to Proctor and Gamble under their Hanna Barbara exclusive pharmacudical contract. When met with allegations that Proctor and Gamble is "targetting young people almost exclusively" a company spokesman responded, "No, we're targetting young fetuses exclusively" while munching on a potpouri blend of RU-486 and withered baby heads.

You'll be tripping over bums and kids having sex on the sidewalk while other people share needles with Magic Johnson and rub Rhesus monkeys on their genitals.*

I'm not telling anybody not to take these pills. They sound great. I might just take them myself to get with the 'in' crowd. Or maybe if we combine it with the date rape pill, you really won't have all that guilt (read: "evidence") when you dump her un-pregnated body in a sewage ditch. Just remember that you have other options. And really, that's what being pro-choice is all about.

*I don't mean to imply that bums will be having sex with children. They might, or maybe there are some homeless children or something, but I guess realistically the kids will be too busy shooting up their elementry schools to figure out how to hump.