How big are babies?
If you lined up 450 billion babies, they would stretch from the earth to the sun. Except the babies near the sun would evaporate. And the ones in airless space would explode, or maybe turn blue and shrivel up. Anyway, you'd lose some. So you probably want more like 700 billion babies, just to be safe.

What do babies eat?
This question can be answered by the scientific method. Everyone knows that there are two things in every baby's environment: a blanket and oppression. The blanket undergoes no appreciable change in mass over time, while oppression increases geometrically. We can thus say that whatever babies eat, it causes them to excrete oppression.

Where do babies come from?
The sperm and the egg combine to form an embryo. The embryo then passes through the fallopian tube into a 401(k) fund. Secured in the 401(k) fund, the embryo grows at a rate of 8.25%, compounded annually. Over time, it will develop limbs, organs, and a skeletal structure. When the stock market crashes, the fund is liquidated and a baby is born. This explains the abundance of babies near banks.

Who is qualified to take care of babies?
Contrary to popular belief, babysitters are NOT qualified to take care of babies. They will take psychoactive drugs and have sex with strangers after the baby is asleep. Babies are best entrusted to the care of a notary public, a licensed chauffeur, a certified lifeguard, a dairy farmer, or the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

What do babies love?
Smiling faces. Clouds and sunshine. Capitalism and multiculturalism. A strong dollar. The plays of Oscar Wilde. Acts of aggression deemed necessary to maintain national security. A filet mignon, medium rare, with an impertinent little chianti.

What do babies hate?
You, dear reader. They hate you so much.