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Moderator: Welcome, ladies, how are you both today?
Martina: Fine, thanks.
Martina's Vagina: A little dry. Can I get a class of water?
Moderator: Certainly. (fetches manservant) Okay, so let's start you guys off with a topic. Let's see...okay...'tennis and sexuality' – go!
Martina: Well I–
Martina's Vagina: That's something– oh sorry, go ahead.
Martina: No problem at all. Well, many people seem to find my sexuality a determining part of my character on and off the court, when really, on the court, I'm just there for the game. I don't think about anything else.
Martina's Vagina: I'm sorry, Martina, I'm going to have to disagree. I'm always with you and you know it. Don't you think I notice how often you 're-adjust'?
Martina: Okay, I do get awfully sweaty. 'Re-adjusting' my panties is unavoidable.
Martina's Vagina: Is it unavoidable that you use your racquet handle?
Martina: (terse whispering) Hey shut up, you!
Martina's Vagina: Sorry. Look, it's not like I don't appreciate the attention, it's just that I don't feel like it at the time, you know? Maybe you don't understand how much work I do just to keep up. You're up there, trying to stay on top of your game, doing your thing. I'm down there in the trenches bailing water, keeping things going, and heaven forbid I have that to deal with besides. It's tough sometimes, is all.
Martina: Well, I try to give you private time for that week. I felt that's what you wanted.
Martina's Vagina: It's okay, honey, I know you do. I do appreciate it.
Moderator: Okay, how about another topic...let's see. Okay, 'sex' – go!
Martina's Vagina: Thank you for–
Martina: Oh, well, let's– whoops, your turn.
Martina's Vagina: Thanks, love. Okay, this has been an issue for us for a long time now.
Martina: Since 7th grade! (giggles)
Martina's Vagina: Martina!
Martina: Sorry.
Martina's Vagina: Well, the thing is, we spent a few years, ah, how can I put it? We weren't on friendly terms. I was experimenting – we were young, you know – and Martina wasn't ready as early as I was. It was a mess for the teen years, lots of confusion. And don't get me started on her father. That was no help at all.
Martina: (terse whispering) Don't!
Martina's Vagina: (whispering) Okay, okay my lips are sealed!
Martina: The thing was, I was getting all these signals from boys, all these signals from her, and I didn't know what to do. I finally settled on one side of the fence, so it's not an issue anymore. But, yeah, for a time we weren't on speaking terms. I couldn't go the bathroom alone for quite some time, since, well you know, we argued. And it was embarassing sometimes. None of the other girls argued and I was afraid I was a freak or something. That was before I met Billie Jean.
Moderator: King?
Martina: The one and only.
Moderator: She's...like that huh?
Martina: (makes tiger growling sound)
Martina's Vagina: I'll vouch.
Martina: Anyway, after that, we never had doubts again. We're very comfortable with each other now.
Martina's Vagina: ...
Moderator: One sec, do you have something to say about that?
Martina's Vagina: No. It's okay.
Martina: Wait, what's okay?
Martina's Vagina: Nothing, it's nothing. Can we have a new topic?
Martina: No wait, what is this. I want to know what's going on right now.
Moderator: (to the vagina) Do you want to talk about it?
Martina's Vagina: Look, it's just...it's a sore subject for me.
Martina: (take aback) What? What are you saying? We've...we've been fine for years!
Martina's Vagina: Look, I just...forget it. Just forget it. I can't... I'm happy. Really, I am.
Martina: Okay, out with it! I wondered about your silence lately! What is it.
Martina's Vagina: Okay, I'm not so sure about the choice we made.
Martina: (shock) What?
Martina's Vagina: Yeah, I guess I'm not over the experimental stage, maybe. Maybe we just didn't try enough to be, you know.
Martina: What, straight?
Martina's Vagina: Normal, Martina, normal!
Moderator: Now, let's not editorialize here–
Martina: (complete shock) I..I don't know what to say. No. No, you're happy, I know it!
Martina's Vagina: I am not happy. I'm not happy at all! I need things! I need long, solid things! I'm tired of this "internal genetalia" bullshit! I can't take it any longer, Martina, I just can't! (near tears)
Martina: No! I can't believe it! You want...you want...men?
Martina's Vagina: For the love of God, woman, stick something in me!
Martina: (gasp) I... I....
Martina's Vagina: I, I, I! It's always you and your needs! Dammit, I NEED DICK!
Martina: (gasping, shock, then- passes out)
Moderator: Martina? Martina?! Somebody get the doctor! We need smelling salts!
Martina's Vagina: (sobbing) Oh god, oh god, what have I done.
Moderator: Well, that about wraps it up. It looks like...by default...uh, Martina's Vagina wins by technical knock out! I'd like to thank the live studio audience and of course, thank you, Miss Vagina for coming tonight.
Martina's Vagina: (sobbing) For... for... Whaaa!
Moderator: Tune in next time for 'Christopher Reeve' Versus 'His Spinal Column'. Goodnight!
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