Hey, it's me--Mario!
Luigi, Princess Toadstool, Yoshi and I have tought you kids everything from typing to artithmetic to squashing reptiles and veggies. Now that you're all a little older, it's time for more advanced subjects. That's right, boys and girls, it's time to tackle the ancient art of fellatio!

Before we begin, let's all agree that oral sex can be a wonderful, rewarding experience. However, it can also be cheaper and dirtier than that ho Princess. For instance, fellatio with a life-partner is a wholesome reflection of mutual love. A suck-job for prison cigarettes is not. Orally stimulating a long-time boyfriend can be fun and exciting. Sucking off that bitch dinosaur for a power-up isn't.

The basics of fellatio are easy enough. First, there's the warm-up. Luigi enjoys a quiet candle-lit dinner and cuddling with a rental movie before heading to the bedroom. I prefer shooting crank and watching turtle pornography: 'Shell Shocked IV: Deep Burrow', 'Tortoise and Pubic Hare' or 'Put It In My Turtle Ass'.

Luigi is alert. He senses something. It is sex.

Next, there's foreplay. Try rubbing or groping your partner through his overalls, or throw down for a little playful wrastlin'. Luigi likes to give me 'strawberries' and play 'I got your nose'. I like to beat Luigi senseless with my bright red belt. Sometimes I come prancing out of the bathroom wearing a puffy white glove on my 'love finger'. Also, I find that having Luigi choke me for a few seconds really gets high-score on the ol' flagpole.

Last, there's the job itself. Luigi really enjoys soft touching and teasing, running his tongue real slowly all over. For me, I just dive on in and gobble up anything I can get my big Italian mouth on. Want me to get bigger? Bounce me a throbbing pink mushroom.

Here at the castle Luigi and I also enjoy creativity and variety when we "clear out the ol' plumbing". Here are some of our favorite rainy-day games:

Bad Dinosaur: Role playing fun! Dress your plumber friend for an equestrian romp. I wrap Luigi's glistening naked body in Yoshi's harness and gallop all over the castle, riding 'bareback' of course. Don't forget your riding whip and do reward your fine mare with a nice crisp carrot after the ride.

I've been such a bad tanooki.

Stomp the Mushroom: A few swift kicks to the genitals and Luigi grows much bigger! I like to tie his gloved hands to the ceiling first and kick his feces into a bloody bowel mess. Take a long hard draw on the Italian straw, then finish with caressing and petting.

Princess Earns Her Damn Keep: Do you find that after saving her delicate heiney, all the princess ever does is bitch about her soaps and never gets her fat ass on the road? I do. Make that whore pay some rent, Mario style.

Hooray! Now you tykes can suck dong with the best of them! Be sure to watch for the next in the Mario Teaches series: Mario Teaches Bestial Punishment.

Your friend,
Mario!