Want mail?         MAY 2, 2001 SHAVED BADGERS!?  We're so terribly sorry to say this, but yadda yadda yadda sorry for no updates yadda writing sonnets yadda yadda grinding spinal column down on spinning stone yadda et yadda cetera blah blah, you've heard it all on plenty of other sites. In fact, fuckit, we'll come right out and admit that we're too horribly busy with our chronic Pokemon masturbation to update. Just kidding. If we, hypothetically, did have a handpuppet of Pikachu, and hypothetically did keep it wrapped in Saran Wrap and -- hypothetically, mind you -- did put a flash-bulb behind a slide and imprint nude Pokemon characters on the backs of our eyeballs every morning so that it lasts a good six hours before reapplication to said eyeballs, hypothetically, we'll tell you one thing: it would be infinitely more likely that it's a Sally Fields or Elvira hand puppet with little half-ping-pong balls taped on for breasts. Whoa. That's the DTs that typed that, that's what that is. At any rate, a couple quick things since yes, we really are preoccupied this week. First, a must read. We no long wear hats made of or by the Chinese. What? What the shit are this? This is like telling the class bully that, yes, you can have our lunch money and gold fillings and our platinum pelvic pins, but by god, we're keeping these here bits of chalk and the tanbark that got lodged between our ribs when you kicked our asses into the the next playground. Well, sure, it's nothing at all like that, but really, Mister US Government, don't you have better ways to help China kick your own ass? Okay, we're not presupposing any of the sheer intellectual giantude that Massah Bush seems fit to catwalk, but come on, America, saying we're "very, very sorry" is a motherfucking apology. Christ, if we were the US Government, we'd skip the middleman and kick our own fucking asses. Hey America! Next time send Hallmark to do your dirtywork! Then the Chinese will get a nice apology and it will rhyme with "bunnies" and have an Anne Geddes baby asleep in a bear costume, how about that? Or send Strom Thurmond over there to personally give out 1.2 billion hugs? Holy shit! We have enough military power to bomb China to the fucking moon and you're apologizing because they flew their communist, Iranian-missile-clad plane into yours? Oh man. We sure hope nobody plans on killing the president because our dear government will be hanging off his fucking dick till the day that man will die. That said, here's the other bit of fun. Ever wonder how people find a website? By searching for gay midgets leather-choker-deep in Vasoline and donkey porn, of course. No really. One of the very best things in the world about running a humor site of questionable integrity (read: none) is that referal logs are an infinite source of joy. Here are some of our favorite actual searches by you people used to actually find Burning Circus. We swear we are not making these up. You people really are that messed up. Internet, we WUV you! I + had + sex + with + my + sister + pic 15 + year + old + pussy idiot + glass + eyes tentacles + school + girls Mary-kate + Ashley natural + penis + enlargement hot + sexx + pokemon circus + jobs black + girls + tied + up fuck + humor sleazy + fonts starting + a + fire + with + sticks yamuka nipple + chains nipple + burning + porn bitch + suck + bestial hard + boy + ass + fuckers burning + during + urination how + to + draw + princess + toadstool assbaby how + to + have + sex + with + canines boy + peepees three + kkk + guys + fucking + black + girl i + hate + chinese testicles + punch people + humping shaved + badgers blowing + cock + at + 14 + years + old how + to + trap + a + racoon people + fucking + donkeys mario + luigi + princess + sex girls + crapping + in + panties picture + of + me + in + my + bra Honestly, think about some of these very carefully. People actually search for "i hate chinese" and "picture of me in my bra". Our main question is, how did these people learn to type? Or learn to visually recognize a keyboard? Or not poke their own eyes out in infancy with the first thing they ever picked up? Colder, colder, colder, colder, colder...   APRIL 19, 2001 ANOTHER PHAGE OF OUR LIFE  We got back from France a couple weeks ago, with Francis and a nasty virus in tow. We're finally better, we think, but have an inexplicable craving for baguettes, red and white striped shirts, and men. At any rate, today we begin our travelogue of that adorable little excuse for a German resort we like to call France, the country with a permanent "kick me" tattooed on its back. Read about the first day in Ignatz and Francis Go to France! And in the meantime, here we are stealing a baby. All credit for baby-stealing graphics goes to Stor Entertainment, whose product creates tiny little British pixel-punk-people. Who may or may not steal babies. France, don't go there,   APRIL 9, 2001 AND WE KNOW PORN  There's little more reward we can derive from entertaining the masses than when the masses decide to sue us. We don't know why we get such perverse pleasure out of it. We just do. When you're a fetish porn site such as Ampulove dot com, you have to overcome such obstacles as censorship, rampant financially damaging attacks by humor sites, and most of all, your own fucking head-wounds. Oh, and broken English, but hey, it's the internet. Ampulove responds to the malicious libel of our January 2nd post, and we respond to Ampulove with a little lesson: From: "master ampulove" To: "Ignatz" Subject: Re: request. Date: Mon, 9 Apr 2001 22:02:24 +0200 "You did not delete our copyrighted materials on your site. a print out of your site and this mails, togheter with all necesary papers are forwarded to my lawyer. I will give you exactly 1 week to pay us 200 us $, and the proof of removement of our copiryghted stuff. or you will be in problems and will be asked to pay 2000 us $. We guess you don't understand very clearly the law about copyright." Ciao,   APRIL 5, 2001 MICRODICKS  You know, we here at the Circus hate Microsoft just as much as the next guy, but today we're upping the ante: That's right, because today and hereafter we hate Microsoft more than the next guy. We're pretty sure you've already seen this, but if you haven't, you must, under no circumstances, click anywhere else on this page utnil you click on this link right here. Now that you're sobered up, check this out and you'll fall right back into your usual comfortable inebriation with the world's scariness. Honestly, we have no idea what in the hell that is, but we laughed our balls out of our sacs because of it. Oh shoot, that wasn't pretty, was it? Penitent,   APRIL 3, 2001 CHOP KICK  Howdy, pilgrim. Where were we last night mister, we might ask? We were in France. France! Yeah, that's really all we can say about it. Okay, okay, if you really want to know, check back a ess a pee since we're constructing the best travelogue since Dante wrote for Fodor's. Don't believe us? As proof and collateral of the fact that we went to France, here's some fat people making the world a funnier place one kick at a time. True fact: The woman we travelled France with, while pulling her bathrobe tight said "Ninja's wear seat belts! Hiya!" Baby, you fucking said it. Voo le voo cushy avek muah?   MARCH 21, 2001 THERE'S NO 'I' IN 'DESTRUCTION'  With heroic acumen, we once again prove that we have started the Lowest-budget, Most Unreadable, and Least Likely to Charm the Pants Off Anyone web comic. We're the best! Try to read another College Rules by clicking on this artist's conception of Hitler at the moment he recognizes his penis is a part of the strikingly handsom Master Race of penises: Your pal,   MARCH 13, 2001 PLEASE GOD MAKE US THIS FUNNY  (tears of joy),   MARCH 11, 2001 RODEO CLOWNS HAVE ALL THE FUN  With a slight twist on the interview-format style interview, Burning Circus presents a more dynamic, engaging, and we hope, violent interview format. Instead of us humiliating a celebrity, personage, or millitary despot, we're going to have that celebrity, personage, or military despot dialogue with another celebrity, personage, or military despot. It's simple really. A moderator makes things go, and then the two interviewees duke it out. Read Martina Navratilova Versus Her Vagina. ¡CUIDADO, PARIENTES! Not intended for those too young to know who Martina Navratilova is. Chupacabra...   MARCH 8, 2001 JANE AUSTEN IS A DICKHEAD  Another College Rules for your (in)discerning palate.   MARCH 1, 2001 THE PEN IS MIGHTIER THAN THE INFANT CRANIUM  Well, we finally did it. We finally got access to a (semi-)stable server, and finally are making some headway with These God Damn People. That company's name, by the way, shall not be repeated in these canvas walls ever again. We'd say that it's the work of the Devil, but that would be trite. No, that company is the work of something far, far more insideous. Like many tiny Devils bunched up in the shape of Hitler. Or Galager. Just please, dear readers, don't give your money to them. Who knows how many bombs made of baby limbs they'll make to blow up the world. Probably lots. Probably causing -- in scant seconds -- more punitive damage to infants than Anne Geddes has caused in her whole life. Well in the last few years at any rate. So hey, check out our new serial feature. We call it, our tiny hearts warmed by the sheer cleverness of our tiny brains, College Rules. As a last note, we apologize if you have emailed us and have not heard back yet. Our email server, for reasons known only to that company (and probably Anne Geddes) will not send our email. We are moving, for the third time folks, to a different hosting company as soon as some numbers somewhere change to some other numbers. Cheers,